Whiskey Barrels of Fun

Today was mother's day, usually reserved to keep the card/ chocolate/ flower industries in business. I can't lie. Part of me wanted a beautiful bouquet or masterfully written poetic card. Once again in my life, my expectations were not met... but reality exceeded anything I could've ever imagined.

The day began with Daddy allowing me to sleep in an extra 25 minutes!!! We went to the 8:45am mass at our churn. You were put in the nursery for a peaceful worship experience. All the mommies were blessed. We were even given marigolds upon our exit. You colored pictures for me in nursery which was just wonderful. We had breakfast/ brunch at Panera with our neighbors. You flirted with a little boy around your age at the next table. We talked and sipped our hot beverages. You had juice. It was relaxing.

I think the best part of the day was when we returned home. You, me and Daddy all cuddled in our bed together. We got to just be with each other. We laughed, we lounged, we remembered what it was like to be together before you became distracted by the world. We used to spend weekend mornings together like this before you learned walked. It felt so good to cuddle like this again. You went down for a nap and Daddy let me nap too as he did all the yard work!!! Glorious! We got up to go to my parents for dinner, and as I walked outside to the car, there they were. My whiskey barrels!!! I had wanted these for a long time to grow strawberries in. You and Daddy had searched all over Maryland and had found some! I was so surprised and tickled that the two of you had conspired to do this for me!

Then when I got into the car, I found a note (on a card I had bought for thank you notes for your birthday). It said:
Dear Mommy,
Ever since I came into this world you have been there for me. I want you to know that I appreciate everything you do for me. I want you to know that even though sometimes it is alot to take care of, you do it because you love me and I love you for it. I want you to plant berries in the planters so we can watch them grow, just like me.
Love,
Nora

Flowers are nice, chocolate is even better. A fancy brunch would have been appreciated. But nothing could have been better than those whiskey barrels and note. It's not the store bought, pre-packaged items that made my heart jump or eyes swell up with tears. It's the knowledge of how blessed I am with love from my family. I am so humbled by this love you and Daddy have for me. It gives me strength. Thank you.

Homecoming

I made it. I made it back home to you. You came toddling over to me with your arms outstretched as if to say, "there you are mommy!" In my eagerness to return to you, I bought you many gifts. Presents from the beach and the Florida Aquarium and the airport. I showed you all these gifts and some you played with for a few moments, but you especially liked the bags that brought the gifts.

I was just happy to be in your presence again. However, I did not expect for you to have grown two inches! It seems like two inches to me! When did you get to be so tall? I swear your legs got longer while I was gone. Your tree finally bloomed and the leaves are now providing shade to the backyard. The gardens exploded with growth and so did the plant in the pond! It feels like home, but things are different. I had to get acquainted again with my plants that your father forgot to water.

I envisioned what our first moments together would be like. We would run and hug and it would be magical. It was nothing like that. You wanted me to pick you, I did and we resumed as if I never left. How do you do that? How do you just fit? You demonstrate again and again to me that we just are. It felt good to remember that. There is no trying or effort. I don't have to impress you or talk or do anything. We just are.

I also thought that you would play with the toys I brought you. Instead, all you cared about was playing with the water bottle from the airport. We don't use plastic water bottles so maybe it was interesting to experience? All evening, for almost an hour you played with this bottle. It was pretty incredible that you could put the cap on and off. The dexterity involved was quite intricate. You eventually dumped most of the water all over your shirt and shorts. It was very amusing to watch!

I soaked up this time with you. Then, you had a bath, I read some books, including your new one, "That's Not My Penguin" and I kissed you goodnight a few times. I made sure you found a corner of your blanket, whispered, "I love you, Nora" and closed the door to your room.
Although this homecoming wasn't exactly what I had imagined, it was just the way it should have been. Perfect.

I am home. Sleep well Bean. I know I will.

5th & Final Night

This is it. Tomorrow I'm leaving on a jet plane. Coming home to you.
I am very excited.

However...
Today I was strolling back to the hotel on the River Walk (which is on a channel, not a river) after visiting the Florida Aquarium (amazing!). I realized something. Since March 25, 2009, I have not had this significant amount of time BY MYSELF. I've gone out to dinner with Daddy or spent the afternoon hunkered down in the bedroom trying to finish a presentation. But I haven't had this experience of time as my own since pre-you.

You wanna know something?

It was kinda nice.
Ok! Before you flip out on me, let me explain.
I miss you. I hurt for you and going to the aquarium today did nothing to help me. All these families and children running around. Everything I looked at, touched, experience, my first thought was, "I wish Nora was here."

But you aren't here. I am alone. I've had copious amounts of "down time" to myself. Time to ponder, time to relax, time to rediscover me.
I am so well rested. I feel rejuvenated.

Maybe this time was apart wasn't so bad. I was able to remember what it's like to be on my own. Once you were conceived, I knew my life would never again only be my life. I'd always share it with you. I suppose you could say this about my wedding day too and your father. I never stopped thinking about you, but for awhile I was able to concentrate only on me and my needs. It felt good.
But I am ready to come home. I was ready the day I left. So tonight is my last night in Tampa. Good night and goodbye!

I couldn't kiss you tonight. But tomorrow night you'll be showered with my kisses and smothered in hugs.
See you later alligator.

4th Night

There were no pictures of you sent to my phone today. You spent the day with Nonna and now are back at home fast asleep after your busy day.

I had a slow morning. Went to the Sunken Gardens in St. Petersburg this afternoon and then had a late lunch on the Gulf of Mexico in Sunset Beach. I was busy but that didn't mean I didn't think about you at every lull.
A few shots from today:

The biggest Wandering Jew I have ever seen! (ground cover)

Eating on the Gulf

My hotel and view from it:

I called Nonna, she told me all about the fun the two of you had today. I had alot of fun today too. It is weird to think about you having such a good time without me. I kept thinking, "Nora would love this beach!" or "Nora would enjoy this playground." Did you think about me at all? We can exist separate from each other. It's better to figure this out now rather than in 17 years when I drop you off at college!

Daddy called me to check in and was talking about mother's day plans. He wants to take me out to brunch, just us, not you. I flipped. There is no way I am going to spend mother's day away from you. I will have just spent 5 nights without you! I can't bear the thought to be away from you one more unnecessary second. I am still upset I have to work Friday morning, but I will be home by noon. I am looking forward to spending an entire weekend with you.

I daydream of the moment we will be reunited. Only one more night after tonight. Each breath my anticipation grows.

This is a picture I have looked at frequently during the week. It was taken a couple weeks ago when we went out to dinner.

One more night. One more night. One more night.

I.can.do.this.

Day 3

It's the third night without you.

You are sleeping at Nonna's tonight. I am comforted by that thought. She loves and treasures you almost as much as I do.

Another day I did not see you, hear you, touch you.

My heart is aching.

Two more nights until I get to snuggle with you again. I'm counting down the seconds.

Night Two Without You

I am alone in Florida in my hotel room. You are all snug in your bed at home. You went to ToysRUs today to buy a present for Ashley's first birthday on Friday. You ate eggs for breakfast and went to a mall in Towson. I wasn't there. May 2, 2010, I did not see you at all. Not once.
I talked to Daddy tonight about you. About your day. We decided it was best that I not call and try to talk to you. Your developing brain does not understand the telephone. We are afraid you will hear my voice and want to see me. Your literal mind does not connect that I am not there and will not be back for a few days.

I pass a playground on the way to dinner tonight, I see a mom pushing her baby in a stroller and for a moment, I am sad. A wave of sadness washes over me. I get distracted by something else and it vanishes, sometimes as quickly as it comes on.

Tomorrow, we present at the conference. Then we are planning to take the trolley into a tourist area and grab a late lunch. Tuesday and Wednesday are open with conference schedule / site seeing. I wonder what you will do tomorrow at Ms. Patti's? I wonder if you miss me? Do you even remember who I am? Do you remember your mom? I worry about you forgetting about me. Will you recognize me on Thursday??

Reidun sends pictures each day, to help me make it through my time away from you. I love to see your face and imagine you in that moment. Sometimes it seems so real to me, I think you really are around me.

I love you Bean. Mommy will be home soon. But not soon enough.

The Day I Left

I left for Florida today. You and Daddy dropped me off at the airport this afternoon. I had my bags, backpack, Promethean Expressions all around my legs. You were in the car, door open crying for me to pick you up. Arms outstretched. My heart broke in two as I told your father "I can't do this."

But I did.

I watched as Daddy closed the door and you cried. I waved as you drove off. I got on the airplane, flew to Tampa, checked into the hotel, called Daddy, got dinner, now back in my room. I missed Becca's prom pictures. I missed giving you a bath. I missed kissing you goodnight.

I can't do this.

But I am.

I'm in Tampa presenting at a professional conference for magnet schools. When does my professional career come before you? Should it ever? I have a struggle going on inside myself. Do I stay home with you full time? Go back to work full time? Being a part-time stay at home mommy and a part time technology integration specialist are well... conflicting. I should have tucked you into bed tonight. I should be there tomorrow to drop you off at the church nursery. But I am here. Can I be your mommy and a tech integration specialist at the same time?

I have never felt such a longing for anyone in my whole life, including your father. My chest aches, my stomach is in a knot, my back with shooting pains. It physically hurts to be away from you. I am in pain. I hope you are not. I don't know how a mother can abandon their child without getting sick. Will this feeling of dread ever leave my stomach? My back? My chest? Will it lessen as the days wear on? I want to be in the bedroom right next to yours. I want to hear you breath, the hypnotic rhythm that lulls me to sleep.

5 days until I return to you. Until I can hold you again in my arms. Until I can feel your morning yawn wash over me. Until I can smell your hair and feel your face buried in my neck. Until I can see that toothy grin or that tongue sticking out in playful banter.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

I am surviving.... barely.