Day 3

It's the third night without you.

You are sleeping at Nonna's tonight. I am comforted by that thought. She loves and treasures you almost as much as I do.

Another day I did not see you, hear you, touch you.

My heart is aching.

Two more nights until I get to snuggle with you again. I'm counting down the seconds.

Night Two Without You

I am alone in Florida in my hotel room. You are all snug in your bed at home. You went to ToysRUs today to buy a present for Ashley's first birthday on Friday. You ate eggs for breakfast and went to a mall in Towson. I wasn't there. May 2, 2010, I did not see you at all. Not once.
I talked to Daddy tonight about you. About your day. We decided it was best that I not call and try to talk to you. Your developing brain does not understand the telephone. We are afraid you will hear my voice and want to see me. Your literal mind does not connect that I am not there and will not be back for a few days.

I pass a playground on the way to dinner tonight, I see a mom pushing her baby in a stroller and for a moment, I am sad. A wave of sadness washes over me. I get distracted by something else and it vanishes, sometimes as quickly as it comes on.

Tomorrow, we present at the conference. Then we are planning to take the trolley into a tourist area and grab a late lunch. Tuesday and Wednesday are open with conference schedule / site seeing. I wonder what you will do tomorrow at Ms. Patti's? I wonder if you miss me? Do you even remember who I am? Do you remember your mom? I worry about you forgetting about me. Will you recognize me on Thursday??

Reidun sends pictures each day, to help me make it through my time away from you. I love to see your face and imagine you in that moment. Sometimes it seems so real to me, I think you really are around me.

I love you Bean. Mommy will be home soon. But not soon enough.

The Day I Left

I left for Florida today. You and Daddy dropped me off at the airport this afternoon. I had my bags, backpack, Promethean Expressions all around my legs. You were in the car, door open crying for me to pick you up. Arms outstretched. My heart broke in two as I told your father "I can't do this."

But I did.

I watched as Daddy closed the door and you cried. I waved as you drove off. I got on the airplane, flew to Tampa, checked into the hotel, called Daddy, got dinner, now back in my room. I missed Becca's prom pictures. I missed giving you a bath. I missed kissing you goodnight.

I can't do this.

But I am.

I'm in Tampa presenting at a professional conference for magnet schools. When does my professional career come before you? Should it ever? I have a struggle going on inside myself. Do I stay home with you full time? Go back to work full time? Being a part-time stay at home mommy and a part time technology integration specialist are well... conflicting. I should have tucked you into bed tonight. I should be there tomorrow to drop you off at the church nursery. But I am here. Can I be your mommy and a tech integration specialist at the same time?

I have never felt such a longing for anyone in my whole life, including your father. My chest aches, my stomach is in a knot, my back with shooting pains. It physically hurts to be away from you. I am in pain. I hope you are not. I don't know how a mother can abandon their child without getting sick. Will this feeling of dread ever leave my stomach? My back? My chest? Will it lessen as the days wear on? I want to be in the bedroom right next to yours. I want to hear you breath, the hypnotic rhythm that lulls me to sleep.

5 days until I return to you. Until I can hold you again in my arms. Until I can feel your morning yawn wash over me. Until I can smell your hair and feel your face buried in my neck. Until I can see that toothy grin or that tongue sticking out in playful banter.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

I am surviving.... barely.

Words

How did she learn that? I get this question ALOT about you. At 5 weeks you turned over from belly to back and by 7 weeks you did back to belly. You always had a mastery of head contol since birth. You sat up by yourself by 3.5 months. At 4.5 mo you began crawling around. At 5 months you pulled yourself up to stand. By 10 months you were walking well. Not learning to walk, WALKING. That is who you are. I don't do anything but watch in amazement. I only know you. I only know how you grow and develop. It seemed fast to me and the doctor agreed. But I have no clue how you learn these things so quickly.

Now the words are coming so fast. You point to the door and say "outside."
Outside. What 13 month old says OUTSIDE?
Bubbles? Shoes? Banana????
Where DID you learn these words? I am so tickled about the things you pick up on. Yesterday you plopped yourself down and started playing with daddy's shoes. You kept saying "shoes" over and over.
You have been saying at least one new word a day.
"Juice" was one the other day.
How your little brain must be absorbing life.
And we can't forget about "cookie" or "uh oh" a favorite when you throw your toys out of the bathtub.
AND you always use these words correctly. You point at the bubbles when saying it since you want to play with bubbles. You say shoes when it is time to go somewhere or when you want to go somewhere like outside!
I say I never got to have an infant. You were hardly ever helpless. Just look at these photos from last spring... you were 8-10 weeks old?!?!

Next week, I am going to Florida for a conference. You are staying in Maryland. My heart aches at the thought of being away from each other for 5 whole days!!! But I know you will survive. You always have. You are so strong and so independent you don't need me every minute of every day... you never did.

You have always been your own person, on your own schedule. I can't push you to do anything. I try, but things happen only on your terms.

I find it funny when people ask "Where did she learn that?!?!"
I always have to answer, "I have no idea. She just is."

13 Months Old

Today you are 13 months old.

You have begun to dream and wake at night. You cry out for a few seconds and then fall back asleep. I wonder what you dream about. Apparently you are just able to start dreaming, it occurs for the first time between 12-14 months.

You talk more and more. Tonight, we think you said "thank you," it was clear as a bell. You say "hi" and "up" and "dog" and "mom" and "dad" and other noises that don't make sense to us. You have some noise for "cat" that leaves off the t. You point at an object and babble gibberish for about 30 seconds. I always try to respond something like "I see that flower! Isn't is pretty?" or "Show me what you want." You have become quite the communicator both verbally and with gestures.

Best of all? You have started to play by yourself for long periods of time. During this imaginative play, you talk to yourself and fiddle with a variety of your toys. This free time for me has been wonderful! I have been able to do the dishes and other chores while you're awake. Sometimes I garden, sometimes I just sit and sip tea and watch you play.

You still have a fascination with outside and ask to go all the time by pointing at the back door. You become annoyed when someone goes outside and doesn't bring you along. Today it was misting, cold and foggy. Still you insisted on going outside to play before mass. You mostly play with the bubbles and want to swing on the hammock. But you love exploring the backyard and all the nature items that seem to be very tasty. You love the park and will play there all day if I let you.

At 13 months, your love of people has not lessened. You went to the church nursery for the first time today and you didn't have an issue being left with people you've never met before. You walk in the room, we talk to the teacher for a while, you engage in play with a little boy engrossed in the pile of cars. You have this uncanny ability to fit in wherever you go. Strangers become friends so easily for you.

A new fascination has arisen with my wallet and purse. You love to carry around my purse. Or you will squat and take everything out of my purse and inspect each piece very carefully. I find my cards and phone and keys strewn all over the house. It wasn't very fun today when it took daddy and I a 1/2 hr to find all the contents of my wallet!!!

We went and played with baby chicks last night at the local tractor supply store. You loved watching them. You were so enthralled with these animals you had never experienced before. You observed for a long time until it was time to say goodbye.

You brush your teeth by yourself now. I have to wrangle the toothbrush away from you most days when its time to stop. You love brushing your teeth. I don't love the amount of drool that ends up on the front of your shirt.

13 months of you...

We've Become One of THOSE Families

I am exhausted. You had drained me of all energy. Every. Last. Ounce. I don't even want to write to you now... but you should know.

You should know about the screaming fits. The never ending screaming fits. You want cookies for breakfast (see previous post), I say no... you start screaming. You want me to pick you up, I say no, you can walk... screaming fit. I read you 5 books, you want another one, I say no time for bed... you got it screaming fit. You cling to me. Hold on to me, want to be carried everywhere. I was assuming your "no" screaming fits and clinging were happening to everyone who watches you... daddy, Ms. Patti, grandma, Reidun.
Nope. You reserve your screaming clinging fits just for me.
Thank you.

I am annoyed at you. Your constant whining, your screaming, your demands. You are only 12 months! We are not suppose to start this stage for another year!!!!
It's not all bad. Really. I try and cherish you in this moment. I admit, it's hard. Very hard. But one day you will not cling to my leg with all your might. One day you will not scream in pain when I walk out of the room.
You have been a classic drama queen... getting so upset over nothing. But it's something big to you. You will break down in a screaming fit over the word "no" and you turn bright red and tears come down your cheeks. To stay sane, I do tend to laugh at you. It's so ridiculous! I hope this is not scarring you. But I tend to think it's better you see me laughing then screaming back you!!!! sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

So we have become one of those families. One of those families who leashes their out of control toddler. Oh how judgmental I was pre-you.
Who could ever put a leash on their child, like a dog! Unthinkable.
The universe is so funny that way.
In my previous life, I would also complain about people's kids screaming uncontrollably too... and well, you know how the universe repaid me for that!
So we bought a backpack leash. It's pretty fancy, it has a white board attached for you to draw. It's called "Petite Picasso" cute, huh?
Good thing we got this for you... I kept you from falling in the pond yesterday. Really, this is not for everyday use. Only those special occasions like theme parks or the zoo. But we had to try it out the other day.

Oh how my world has change since you. How my perceptions about parenting have had to become actions. Actions that I never thought I would be doing (wiping up your snot with my sleeve... tracking the color & consistency of your poos... the tomato sauce stains that will never come out of my pants). Parenthood is nothing like I imagined. But you are worth it all. All the stains, all the poos, all the screams, all the whining, all the snot!!! I'll tell you a secret, I will allow you take every last ounce of energy from me everyday if it means you will stay healthy and happy. Although I pray this stage will pass quickly :)

Animal Crackers

Lately, you've had a fascination with animal crackers. We bought a barrel from BJs, a big box store in town, for your birthday party. The last few weeks you constantly search out that barrel and point to it until someone gives you a "cookie" to eat. You went through the entire barrel in two weeks, with some help from the adults. We had to buy a new barrel today. Your appetite for animal crackers in insatiable. I have to cut you off most days by hiding the barrel in an undisclosed location. Here you are in all your animal cracker glory in the shopping cart:

Today for the first time we used the fire truck shopping cart at our local grocery store. You "drove" all the around the store and loved the horn. How much fun it was... well for mommy it was hard to steer but you had a great time!

Later in the car, Reidun had you rolling with laughter from tickling your knees! Who knew your knees were so sensitive to tickles?!?!?

Overall, it was a quiet day. Mass and breakfast with Becca. Lunch and shopping with Ms. Salli and Sister Karen. Then an afternoon of grocery shopping. Now you are asleep and tomorrow we will start again. Another day gone... I hope we made the best of it!