Projection

Today I left for work before you woke and came home too late to pick you up at daycare. I walked in the door and Daddy was making dinner and you were playing with Becca. You excitedly shouted "Mommy!" and it made the rush hour commute melt away. You then divulged, no lie, into a 20 minute description of your day. No time-outs, you went tinkle in the potty, you played with Kayla and Katie Mae and Owen and Braden and all your friends. You went to school and said the pledge, months, days of the week, ABCs and 123s. You sang songs for me and told me you talked about outdoors in school; did I know trees and birds live outside?!? After dinner you proceeded to play and engage in imaginative scenarios involving lots of ring-around-rosy, nap times and cars that were too loud and woke up the dolls. We went for a walk with the dogs and you chatted about squirrels and playhouses and all the other people walking. In a nutshell, you were this happy, healthy kid.

Then it hit me. I'm the issue. I am projecting fear and anxiety and you are picking up on it. How did you have this awesome day after a string of irrational-emotionally ridden days? The only thing different about today was me.

I admit it. I am having alot of fears and anxiety about the future. For the first time in my life, I don't have a clear picture of where I'm going. I re-think the decision to become a stay-at-home mom almost daily. I have built a strong, respectable career. I spent years and years in school perfecting my understanding of my craft. I worry about fiances and being able to afford to give you and your sister everything you need and more. For the first time, I am making a life changing decision based not entirely on myself. What if it's the wrong choice? What if I'm unhappy? Will you understand that my choice to stay home to care and raise my children was not some antiquated gesture where the husband is the bread winner and the wife takes care of the home? Life choices for women are multiple and varied. I admit to taking a more traditional route of the school-career-marriage-baby thing but that doesn't mean it's right for you or your sister. I want to instill in both of you the ability to make decisions not based on societal norms or traditions but on what the right choice for your life is. Sometime, ask your father about his route to where we are today. It's much more round-about, funny, and rich than my experience will ever be. Sometimes I am envious.

I do not want to fail. Failing at school or a job is terrible, but redeemable. Failing a child is in a whole other dimension. I pray you and your sister will thrive with me as the primary care giver. God help us all.